20100717 Chatlog 01

Oh man, this guy was just so into me. I feel this happens a lot, and I feel kind of bad for them --there's a sort of lonely desperation that comes of trusting that the 20 year old hot bisexual girl isn't really 40 fat and balding. Perhaps I shouldn't be making fun of them.

...nah, I figure it's fair trade for actually giving them sex. Woo!

Warning, chatlog contains a little bit of guy-anal, and mention of some mild pain-play. Besides that, it's a pretty safe read.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi there!
Stranger: hello ther
You: How're you?
Stranger: fyn
Stranger: asl?
You: 20/f/us

You can tell I'm desperate for cybering at this point. I never actually give my ASL unless I want sex.

Stranger: 19
Stranger: m
Stranger: aust
Stranger: horny?
You: I am indeed
You: Wanna help me do something about it?

*flirt flirt, SHAMELESS flirt*

Stranger: sure
Stranger: wat u wearin?
You: Low-cut orange tank top and tight jeans
You: You'll have to take 'em off me to find out what else. ;D
Stranger: sure...
Stranger: i just did

Enter a long pause. Because...Uh...seriously?

Motherfucking SERIOUSLY?! I'll be honest here, I somewhat hate you.

You: Oh my!
You: Meaning I'm just standing here in my black panties and bra
Stranger: i just ripped off the brs
Stranger: *bra
You: Meep!
You: I feel so...exposed!
Stranger: better..
Stranger: i'm gonna spread u wide on the bed
You: Oh yes...and what're you wearing?

"You know what?" Says my mind. "It's no fair to snark on cyberidiots on Omegle if you're just phoning it in."

Stranger: and slowly lick u on the pussy with u'r panties on

"...Yeeeeah, even if they deserve it. But no! You must persevere! Give him the best damn cyberfucking he will ever have! Why? Because we're bored, why else?"

Thank you, mind. But he seriously just spelled "your" as "u'r". He deserves nothing!

You: Mmmm
Stranger: boxers
Stranger: and den i'm gonna take the pantie soff
Stranger: and den i'm gonna kiss it hard

...what, the panties? Learn to write, n00b. Oh fucking fine, I'm going to take my revenge by being so much better than you that your brain explodes. Hopefully.

You: I run my hands over your boxers and feel the stiff lump of your penis come to life under my fingertips
Stranger: nice..den?
Stranger: and den i'm gonaa lick u slowly on the pussy..
You: I'll slide the waistband of your boxers down over your cock, exposing just the head
You: ooooo
You: Your tongue feels so nice
Stranger: and den spread the lips of u'r pussy and suck it..

...note to self. When scoring this idiot, he loses five points every time he does the "u'r" thing.

You: Mmmm
You: I run my fingers over the head of your cock, squeezing it gently and stroking the tip
Stranger: and finger u togetger

You know, I'm often pretty good at deciphering idiot, but I have no idea what he means. Maybe that he's fingering me while still sucking my pussy? I guess?

Stranger: nice...ahh!!!
You: My hand slips into your boxers to wrap around you, and stroke up and down
You: Slower and quicker. Slower and quicker.
Stranger: oh baby...u really know wat u are doin..

Aww, why thank you! If I didn't respect myself, I would totally make that the subtitle for this blog!

Stranger: more
You: I squeeze a little harder as my hand slides faster along your cock
Stranger: yeah...yeah..
You: My other hand grabs your boxers and pulls them off your legs, exposing you
You: I fondle your balls with my free hand, rubbing them gently
Stranger: ooh..dat feels sooo good.
You: I know what'll feel even better
You: *bends her head down to lick at the tip of your cock*
Stranger: yeah baby..
Stranger: den i'm gonna kiss u all the way up to u'r boobs
Stranger: slowly and sensually

Yeah, uh, have I mentioned that one thing that *really* bothers me in cybersex is geometry flaws? If I am spread out on the bed, curled over to suck at your cock, there is no way that you can reach my boobs. I'm curled up like a pillbug. I really really want a partner who pays at least a little bit of attention to this sort of thing.

...I suppose while I'm dreaming of impossibilities, I'd also love a partner who actually uses condoms in cybersex. Yes, I know I'm ridiculous. But I'd appreciate the effort.

You: Oooo
Stranger: and lick u'r boobs
You: I'll keep stroking, and squirm against your mouth
Stranger: and lick and suck u'r nippleas hard

Tsk tsk. -10 in just two lines.

Stranger: and den kiss u on the lips
You: Ohh
You: I'll kiss back passionately, and let my tongue run into your mouth
Stranger: ooh...i love dat..
Stranger: and den i'm gonna lift u'r knee up..
You: Ooo?

...oh gods, is this all just a troll? Is he going to do something weird with those knees? Goddamnit!!

Stranger: and i'm gonna slide in and out of u from the side

Oh, thank goodness. He's just going to fuck me.

Badly.

You: Ahhh! So nice!
Stranger: and fuck u like dat hard..
Stranger: and den i'm gonna lift u slowly
Stranger: wrap u'r lega arnd my waist
Stranger: and bang u against the wall

WHAM!! TAKE THAT!!

You: Ohh!
You: Mmmm, lucky I like it rough
Stranger: nice...

Technically true. But I really shouldn't say these things. It just encourages them to...

Stranger: i'm gonna bang u like dat till u fall over my back and ask me to stop

...do...that? What the fuck?

You: Oh baby
You: You've got me so close to cumming!

Mesix-speak for "Bored now."

Stranger: and den i'm gonna mmake u sit on my dick...
Stranger: facing me.
You: Oh, make me, huh?

Bored and therefore bratty.

Stranger: and kiss u first..
You: Ooo!
You: *kisses back wickedly*
Stranger: and while kissin u i'm gonna start fuckin u slowly...
Stranger: and i'm not let go u from kissin
You: Awww, so sweet!
You: And sexy!

Yeah. Sexy like a brick. Oo, yeah baby, you work those awkward corners! That dull red is so you!

Stranger: yeah u like it??
You: I do!
Stranger: wat r u gonna do tome?
You: Ohh, I'm gonna ride you hard
You: I'm gonna slowly pull myself up and down on the length of your cock, feeling you slip into me
Stranger: nice.
Stranger: and den?
You: I'll get slowly faster and faster as I go, hoping to bring you closer to cumming
Stranger: yeah...
Stranger: and?
You: My tongue plunges deep into your throat as we kiss, exploring your mouth as my pussy squeezes tight around your cock
You: I'll twist back and forth slightly, sending the sensations shuddering into you
Stranger: awesome!!!
Stranger: and den wat do u wanna do?
You: Oh, I'm getting so close to cumming!
You: I'll reach down and start to play with my clit with one hand and your balls with the other, still fucking you

PRO TIP, ASSHOLE: Cybersex is a two person game. Trust me, I know full damn well you're just too busy wanking right now to actually type things. Invest in some skill at one-handed typing.

Stranger: nice...
Stranger: and i'm gonaa start riding u harder..
Stranger: and also play with u'r wet clit!
Stranger: finger u.

O.O While your cock is still in me? I am small! At least you don't have a nine inch cock like the last six guys who chatted with me.

Also, I really wish these idiots would stop assuming I'm wet. Because trust me. I'm not.

You: Oooo, yess
You: So close!
Stranger: nice...while u'r moanin with pleasure..
Stranger: i'm gonna lift u'r legs up
You: Oh yess!
Stranger: keep them over my shoulders a
Stranger: and bang u
Stranger: hard

Such a wordsmith! Oh, I can't wait to tell all my friends about my dashing knight who "banged me hard"!!

You: Oh please, oh god, keep coming!
Stranger: and den just before u cumm..

Of course, the flip side of being jaded is being paranoid. I was dead certain he was gonna set me on fire or something.

Stranger: i'm gonaa stat lickin u and fingerin u
Stranger: hard and faster!!1
You: Oh, oh oh oh OHHHHHHH
You: Gods
You: I cum hard against you, writhing and squirting in pleasure
You: Feels so good!
Stranger: yeah baby...

That's right folks, you too can learn to be the master of the fake internet orgasm (TM)! Just send six easy payments of only nineteen ninety-nine and you'll receive the full Mesix Glorious fake internet orgasm training kit! Five easy lessons, six easy payments! Call the number on your screen now, operators are standing by!

Also, I can't tell whether to be disappointed or not that he didn't freak about the squirting thing.

Stranger: and den i lick u'r pussy up...and suck it and kiss it
Stranger: and den come up and kiss u ..
You: Mmm, I'm gonna kiss you back hard
Stranger: nice..
Stranger: and den wat else u wanna do?
You: Oh, well, you haven't cum yet!
You: So I guess I'll get on my knees in front of you and take your cock into my mouth
Stranger: nice...
Stranger: and den?
You: Suck you hard so that I can taste your hot cum all down my throat

Please cum soon, please cum soon, please cum soon...

Stranger: ooh...i'm gonna cumm loads in u'r mouth
You: Oh yes, please!
Stranger: and some on u'r face and boobs.
You: Mmm, I'll lick it all up
Stranger: nice..
Stranger: wat else u wanna do?

Shoot myself?

You: Hmm, I don't know
You: Any suggestions?
Stranger: may be the bath??
You: Oh yes, to get all cleaned up!
Stranger: yeah..
Stranger: i'm gonna spread u'r lega wide in the bath tub..

Okay, not to be a killjoy here or anything, but a bathtub wide enough to spread my legs in? Permit me to be somewhat skeptical.

Stranger: and pour hot water all over u'r body
Stranger: and soap it
You: Mmmm, nice and clean!
Stranger: and rub extra hard on u'r clit
Stranger: and actually finger u.
You: Actually finger me? What'd you call it before?
Stranger: just rub it on the top.
You: Ahh, of course

Mesix-speak for "what the hell are you talking about?"

Stranger: den i'm gonna bang u in dat position while sittin...and kiss u sensually on the face

AND big enough for banging? STILL SKEPTICAL!

You: Mmm, so sweet!
You: I'll kiss you back, and run my hands all over your chest
Stranger: i like d way dat sounds
You: Run my fingers over your nipples and tug at them lightly

Okay, let's have a little experiment here.

Stranger: ooh!!
Stranger: still better
You: Pull a little harder, find out what you like

Positive reaction? Fine, let's up the voltage, as it were.

Stranger: yeah baby..
Stranger: i like it hard!!

Never. Ever. Say that to someone whose kinklist you haven't discussed.

You: Oh yes?
You: I'll pull very hard then, and twist
Stranger: totally
You: Mmm, go and get my clothespins then, baby

I didn't mean for this to come out as a command, but I like the way it worked out.

Stranger: y?

Evil. Evil.
EVIL
grin.

You: Well, if you like it hard...
You: *pinches one nipple*
You: Clothespins are the *best* way to do it
Stranger: ok...i didn't mean dat hard..
You: *laughs* Oh, okay
Stranger: so wat vil u do to me if i get the pins?

...kill you with my mind, before your stupidity breeds?

You: Oh, I'll just let them snap onto your nipples
You: Feel a little bit of pinchy pain
Stranger: omg...dat's hardcore at it's best..

I literally laughed aloud at this one. Clothespins? Hardcore?! Oh sweet Jesus, you are so vanilla it's almsot painful.

You: Oh honey, I haven't gotten anywhere even close to resembling hardcore
You: Clothespins are all well and good, but if you want some serious pain, invest in some nice steel nipple-clamps

As a complete aside, I really want a nice pair of nipple clamps. I love the hell out of my collection of clothespins, but clover clamps? Are pretty. And painful.

Stranger: forget it.
Stranger: just let's use hands and legs

...and legs?

You: Hee, that works too!
Stranger: den wat vil u do?
You: Well, I'll make sure you get all soapy too
You: Make sure that you get all nice and clean
You: Especially your penis
Stranger: nice..and?
You: I'll rub the soap into your balls, squeezing to make sure they get all clean
Stranger: cool
Stranger: wat else?

TWO. PERSON. ACTIVITY.

Every time you don't pull your weight in cybersex, a slut turns to God. Please, think of the sluts.

You: Slide my soapy hands all over your ass, get you nice and clean
Stranger: ooh..
Stranger: i like dat!!
You: Oh yeah?
Stranger: hell yeah!

Well fine then. Let's see if I can scare you off then.

You: What if I slowly slide a finger into you, to massage your prostrate?
Stranger: still better!!

...I am duly impressed by this guy. Not freaking about the prostrate thing *or* squirting. Props.

You: Oh yes? Don't meet too many boys willing to have anal done to them
Stranger: i like it a little
You: Interesting
Stranger: y ?
You: *shrugs* Like I said, not too many boys seem into it
You: Seem to think it'll make 'em gay or something
Stranger: ok..
You: But in your case...
You: I can slowly slide a finger in and out of you, using the soap as lube

Um...this was not me being nice. Soap plus mucous membranes equals burning like Old Lady Leary's barn. Fucking *ow!*

Stranger: nice..
Stranger: u really kno wat to do!!
You: I've got a fair amount of practise
Stranger: good..
Stranger: wat else u wanna do?
You: Oh, I don't know, sweetie
You: Any thoughts?

Ball is back in your court.

Stranger: nothin baby..none at all.

Goddamnit. You. You have failed me! You were doing perfectly well...well good. Well...okay. Well, you were doing things earlier! Just continue like that!

Stranger: u wanna chat sometime again?

No.

You: Oh maybe, but I don't have MSN or anything
Stranger: oh..cummon...every one has a mail id
Stranger: der baby?

My two years of German in high school made that line confusing. He means "there".

You: Sorry dear. I like to keep Omegle chats just on omegle
Stranger: ok
You: Have a nice night though, doll
Stranger: u too sweetie..

And that's that. Honestly, he was sweet enough --heart in the right place and all that, yadda yadda yadda. I really do need to better keep in mind the fact that people my age are a *lot* younger than me sexually most of the time. And a LOT stupider.

AS A SLUT: Okay, he was actually into it for about half, but those long periods where he left me to do all the work? NOT cool. Seriously not cool. 4 points.
AS A WRITER: I was serious you know. Fif-fucking-teen times he used "u'r". That's minus 75 points, plus let's have another minus 20 for otherwise being a really shit writer.

VERDICT: negative 91 points out of 20. Ouch! On the plus side, if he just learns to write, he might someday have a real chance!

20100717 Odds and Ends

Now, part of the problem with this blog is that it requires people to actually cyber with me. Which is hard. And usually, I get dozens of false starts beforehand, or trolls, or I just can't resist being a dick, or genuinely nice people with proper capitalization and such, who I inevitably accidentally close the page on.

So every day of chatting or so, I'm probably going to present you with some number of odds and ends. Like these!

***

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi there!
Stranger: hi
You: How're you today?
Stranger: good wbu??
You: I'm doing pretty well!
You: A little tired, a little horny

You'll probably see this phrase a lot --when I'm testing the waters, I try and use it to get the cyberball rolling. It works...some of the time.

Stranger: paedofile
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

...I imagine you'll see *that* phrase a lot less often.

***

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello there!
Stranger: hey whats up :) instead of waste your time and mine chatting to someone we can't see..
You: Mmhm...

'I swear to god if you suggest webcamming I will shoot you, Omegle does video I am not on there for a reason!'

Stranger: I am female, 30 y/o looking for an ordinray guy(not some freak) to meet on weekends for romance and possibly a little more, or at least someone to chat with online. I have met two guys on here already and we had sex, but that was all.
Stranger: If you want to see some pics of me, and learn a little about me go to my blog -------.tumblr.com.. I also have sexier pics(but obviously not in public view) just get my cell or IM from my blog.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

FUCK YEAH SPAM!

All personal websites and e-mails will be censored, since I think that would be most likely to get me sued. So yeah.

FWIW, her tumblr was made yesterday, contains one picture of a girl who looks a *hell* of a lot younger than thirty, in underwear, on a bed, and a link to get her cell phone information, which took you to a "take one of these surveys or free IQ tests!"

Or in other words? Fucccck you!

***

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello there
Stranger: e-mail me naked photos.
You: Okay
You: What's your e-mail?
Stranger: e-mail me naked photos.

Facepalm.

You: I would be happy to. What is your e-mail address so I know where to send them?
Stranger: ------@yahoo.com
You: Alright, give me a second

I have Google and this stranger didn't specify gender. Or age. I was prepared to lay some serious weirdness on the guy.

But I'm a pretty nice person, so I figured I'd be good enough to at least warn him of the impending doom.

You: Um, real quick, any preference on who the naked pictures are of?
You: Like, boys or girls sort of thing?
Stranger: e-mail me naked photos.
You: Awesome
You: I approve of your bravery

And I do. His name looked male so I guessed hetero, and sent him an e-mail containing five pictures --three girls (one in a bikini so not technically naked), a pair of guys (one naked and on a leash, the other in chaps) and a great pair of pierced and laced up lips.

You: E-mail has been sent
Stranger: well yur the first.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I'm the first?

Boo-fucking-yah!

***

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi there!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: 24m
You: Cool
You: 21f

This is technically a lie. But if you can't lie about your age on the internet, what *can* you lie about?

Stranger: hey if we meet so can i fuck you?

No. And as god is my witness, I will do all that is in my power to ensure we never meet.

You: That depends, are you any good at cybersex?
You: Writing turns me on so much, I've learned that the best fuckers in real life are people who're really good at fucking online
Stranger: ofcourse
You: So, wanna prove yourself, cutie?
Stranger: but iam in my office

...and you're soliciting fucking? Awk-ward!

You: Aww, that would make it difficult
Stranger: i like to oralsex and annel sex

As we learn later, English is probably not this guy's first language, so I really ought to cut him some slack, butu still, annel sex? I don't even know.

Stranger: yas baby
You: Mmm, me too!
Stranger: but you know that iam very crazy this time
You: Oh?
You: How so?
Stranger: my pennis is very long that mygirlfriend said

Oh, that's how so. You just sorta babble random weird shit. You're right, you are very crazy this time!

Stranger: you like it?
Stranger: where you from?
You: I do like it!
You: From the US
Stranger: sorry baby iam from india and iam busy this time

WHAT?!!?!?! HE REJECTED ME!?!?!??!? THAT BASTARD!!!!!

You: ...I'll try to console my breaking heart
Stranger: wow?

Sarcasm, dude. Look it up.

After that, the conversation limped awkardly along for three lines and ten minutes of silence before he disconnected. Victory!

***

Winner, or in other words, the conversation I found least horrible? Definitely the naked pictures guy, by like eight orders of magnitude. Way to go dude, you just keep living the dream.

20100716

Ohmygod, it's my very first real post, I'm so excited you guys!

So, here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna post the conversation in blockquote, and my own snarky responses in normal-type writing like this. I will post conversations as I have 'em, and when I think they're actually entertaining. If you like it, by all means, encourage me to post more, otherwise I will forget all about this silly little blog.

In all cases, I am "you" and the person I was chatting with is "stranger".

***

Alright, I'm gonna be honest here. This first one is a doozy. I'm ninety percent certain I landed a troll, but I pride myself on never being the one to hit that disconnect button. This chatlog might not be for the faint of heart --there's a lot of gross in it, including shit and piss and spit and toenails. And worst of all, it was possibly the most boring omegle fuck I've ever had!

Here goes nothing, guys! Enjoy.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello there
Stranger: if you want cybersex say yes misstres if not dissconect

Okay, you officially have my full and utter attention. Minus ten points for the spelling errors, but plus a billion for being direct and kinky, two things I love. A gleeful smile crosses my face, and I go for it! Oh, if only I knew the terrors that were to befall me...

You: yes mistress
Stranger: get on the floor
Stranger: now
You: Yes mistress
You: *does so, lying on hands and knees*

Ooo yeah! Hopeful, hopeful...

Stranger: now i put my cute pink sox on your face and i rub them up and down describe the taste and smell

...annnnd we start to get a little bit whatthefuck. But whatever, maybe this person just has a foot fetish.

Stranger: now
You: Ohh, they taste good, though a little fuzzy
You: I like the smell of mistress's feet
Stranger: do u want to go to the garden
Stranger: answer me
You: Yes mistress

Is the garden a euphemism?

Stranger: now my boots are dirty describe eating and licking the mud off
Stranger: now
You: Oh mistress, yes mistress

...um, that was sudden. Those billion points I mentioned? Yeeeeah, we better just pretend those never existed.

You: I lick your boots slowly, from the soles up, getting all the mud off
You: It does not taste good, but I do not care, for I am getting the soft black leather clean for mistress
You: I suck at the ends of the laces, to get the last of the dirt, and shine them with my spit

This was maybe my favourite part of the whole thing. I've a little bit of a top-based boot fetish, which I was able to translate into a bottom-based boot fetish. So, those who were just in it for the good parts...yeah, you can leave now.

Stranger: now you have erned your meal in the doggy bowl do u want to know what it is
You: Yes mistres
You: *mistress

In my heart I know it's a waste of time to bother correcting syntax errors when talking to the idiots that populate Omegle, but I just can't help it.

Also, I had a guess as to what this meal would be, but I really really hoped I was wrong...

Stranger: its my shit nice and fresh the way you like it describe eating it
Stranger: now

...aw, fuck. Oh well. There's two ways to play this: I can be horrified and give in to the troll and go "ewww!". Or I can take the fact that I am pretty damn jaded at this point and run with it. You know the saying, in for a penny?

You: I eat it slowly smearing it around my lips to savour the heat and the smell
Stranger: does it taste nice
Stranger: slave answer now
You: It does
You: Thank you mistress
You: It is a treat

You might have noticed that this "mistress" is really keen on the word "now". I will admit that I was perhaps slightly distracted as I had this conversation --I was busy setting up a tumblr for the first time-- but seriously. No need to keep harping on me. Yadda yadda, patience is a virtue, bla bla bla.

Stranger: now do u want to go to town with me
You: Yes mistress
Stranger: now get on all fours
You: Yes mistress
You: *crawls up and sits patiently*
Stranger: and i will put your dog lead on
You: *smiles at mistress*
You: Thank you, ma'am
Stranger: now i go and spend your money and i leve you out side as i spend it how do you feel

"Honestly? Like you don't actually understand what the hell a mistress is."

You: Is mistress happy? If mistress is happy then slave is happy
Stranger: yes i am now do u want to go home
Stranger: slave answer mistress quicker
You: I am sorry mistress
You: If mistress wills it I would like to go home
Stranger: now i fell i need the toilet open your mouth

You fell you need the toilet? I hear that's a serious affliction, you should really look into that.

I'm sorry folks, I'll try not to snark on the grammar and spelling too much, as the amount of correction this sort of shit needs is *woefully* boring to actually do.

Stranger: now
Stranger: slave
Stranger: answer quicker mistress not happy
You: *opens her mouth for mistress*
You: I am so sorry mistress
You: *waits quietly*
Stranger: i start to piss in your mouth how does it feel
Stranger: and taste

Have I mentioned yet that I seriously found this to be the most boring cybering I've ever engaged in? I was doing my best to add some decent cybersex elements into it, but having nothing to actually work with...was tough.

You: It feels hot
You: And delicious
You: I drink it all down
You: Careful not to let any spill to the floor
Stranger: u spill some nad girl
Stranger: bad

*gasp!* They actually fixed an error!

Stranger: do u want to make it up to mistress
You: Yes, please mistress
You: Do not punish me mistress
Stranger: now go get me some chips

I'll admit, I lol'd. If I ever have a slave, I'm totally going to get angry at them for some misgiving, and then send them to go get me chips as punishment...

You: Yes mistress
Stranger: hurry
You: I go to the kitchen and get the chips down from the fridge. I bring you some dip as well, just in case

(In my house growing up, the chips were always left on top of the fridge.)

Stranger: i eat the chis with some dip and spit it in your mouth do u like that
You: Yes mistress
You: I swallow your gift and smile
Stranger: now i want you to describ emy spit in your mouth
You: It is rough with the feel of half chewed chips
You: But slimy, and good

...mind, when I have a slave of my own, I think I'll probably skip this bit of the chip punishment.

Stranger: now slave get up
Stranger: quicker
You: Yes mistress
You: *stands quickly*
Stranger: now get on your knees
Stranger: quicker

Up on my feet! Down on my knees! Good god, some consistency, seriously!

Stranger: answer faster mistress may need to punish again
You: I am sorry mistress
You: *gets on her knees quickly and looks up through scared lashes*
Stranger: open mouth
Stranger: now
You: *opens her mouth*
Stranger: puts asshole over mouth and shits describe it the taste and smell
You: It smells foul yet divine
You: The taste is watery and loose --mistress needs more fiber in her diet

I mentioned I was bored, right? Here I tried to let my brat-self shine and faff about a bit.

Stranger: how dare you question the way misstres lives

I was honestly astonished they even noticed. Thus far, there'd been no indication that this stranger was even listening to a word I said.

You: meep
You: I am sorry mistress, so sorry
Stranger: now go out side
You: Yes mistress
Stranger: and think about what you did
You: *walks outside sadly*
You: *sits in the garden alone to think*
Stranger: come back in
You: Yes mistress

I don't know if you've used Omegle before, but conversations move quickly. There were less than fifteen seconds between "go outside" and "come back in". Way to teach me a lesson there, mistress. I sure did learn. Ayep.

You: *comes back inside and sits at mistress's feet*
Stranger: lick my feet they are sweaty i want the lcked to perfection
Stranger: hury slave
You: Yes mistress

I think this is about the point where I just copied "Yes mistress" into my clipboard so I could just paste it into the conversation as necessary. Again, I really don't think this person noticed.

You: *licks the sweat from your feet*
You: *every drop*
Stranger: now i need to vut my toe nails open your mouth
Stranger: cut
You: Yes mistress
You: *opens mouth for your toenails*
Stranger: i put the toen ails in your mouth describe them taste and feel
You: They are sharp and rough
You: I swallow them awkwardly

This was gross. Like I said, I'm jaded, but there's something about toenails that's just plain groaty. My omegle self is a brave brave woman.

Stranger: now lay doen
Stranger: down
You: Yes mistress
You: *does so*
Stranger: now i sit on your face and fart how does it feel

Willing slave, sitting on her face, and the best thing you can think of to do is fart?! You suck.

Stranger: hurry slave
Stranger: describe now
You: It feels windy
Stranger: how does it feel

I JUST ANSWERED THAT YOU DUMBASS!

You: It feels humiliating and rough
You: But it is from mistress and so it is wonderful
Stranger: now go to your doggy bowl there is some pee and shit mixed together how does it taste and feel
You: Yes mistress
You: It tastes warm and sweet
You: It feels rough and squishy in my mouth
Stranger: are you complaing
You: No mistress
You: Squishy is good
Stranger: now i slap you for complaning

Arrrrrrrrrg, and I wasn't complaining! I even said I wasn't complaining!

Omegle: Astounding you with how stupid people are since 2009.

Stranger: u need it
You: Oh mistress
You: Oh thank you mistress
You: For punishing me when it was so clearly needed

Man, I'm bummed I didn't get more here. I think I'd really enjoy being slapped around some, especially if I actually did something to deserve it.

Stranger: niw get on all fours
Stranger: now
Stranger: and out the saddel on
You: Yes mistress
You: *gets on all fours and puts on the saddle*
Stranger: now put my socks in your mouth describe it

Temptation to go "mmph mmph"? Very high. I regret not.

You: Yes mistress
You: *puts the socks in her mouth*
You: they are sweet with your sweat
Stranger: i have spat in them so u have a littel gift
Stranger: do you like that
You: I do, mistress
You: Thank you
Stranger: i have a week old pair of socks do u wan them in your face
Stranger: answer quicker
You: Yes please mistress
You: They would be lovely
Stranger: i put them in your face describe it now
You: The cloth is rough and stiff with sweat

Blah blah blah. I'm sorry folks, I'm really just phoning it in at this point.

Stranger: i want to go out and spend some more money so get your saddel on and take me to town
You: Yes mistress
You: I get my saddle on and let you ride me into town
Stranger: now how does it feel everybody looking at you

Um, I appear to be alone in this room. Trust me, no one is actually looking at me play your pony, and no one *will* ever look at me playing your pony. I guaran-fucking-tee it. In fact, I am swearing an oath right now that I, Mesix Glorious, will never engage in pony play with someone without first ascertaining that they are not this flaming idiot, signed this seventeenth day of July, in the year of our lord 2010. Amen, or something.

Stranger: answer quicker slave
You: It makes me blush mistress
Stranger: misstres not happy
You: No mistress?
You: Why not?
Stranger: u dont seem to love me enougth

...uh. That's...uh...

Eh, whatever. Let's just go with it.

You: I do love you mistress
You: I love you with all my heart and soul
Stranger: now slave do you want to take this off here
Stranger: into msn

...oh. I take back that heart and soul thing.

You: I do not have msn, mistress

This is actually true, and I suspect it'll be a reoccurring theme. I have never seen any need for MSN --I've had an AIM account for forever, and a GTalk account since the moment they released them more or less. And trust me, all the losers on Omegle begging for one? Just sealed the deal. No MSN for me.

Stranger: do u have facebook
Stranger: answer slave
You: Not for you, mistress

Ohhhhh and perhaps my frustrations turn mean.

I'm gonna try, as I engage in this idle entertainment, to not actually be mean to people all that often. But sometimes? Oh lordy, I just can't hold it in.

Stranger: why slave
You: *raises an eyebrow artfully* Because as a slut I'm unimpressed, and as a writer, I'm downright horrified.

That's not that mean, right? Damn truthful though, and it might just hold the key to scoring these stupid chats!

Stranger: shall i tell u something
Stranger: do u want to know something
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Annnnd I took too long to respond. Oh damn. I will never know what they wanted to tell me.

My heart shall never heal from the tragic loss. Oh wait.

AS A SLUT: I'm unimpressed. Two points --one for the instamistress thing, that was hot, and one for the boots.
AS A WRITER: Arbitrary five points for the fixing of some errors, and being able to at least spell "why" if not "you". Minus ninety points for being shitty at writing.

VERDICT: Uh...negative 83 points out of 20. Sounds about right.

An Explanation

Hey, thinks I! I have a great idea! I already started a tumblr tonight, why not start a brand new blog, too! And unlike every other blog I've ever had, this will be a blog with a *purpose!!*

That purpose is to have a lot of sex on omegle. And to make fun of it, because I'm pretty sure ninety percent of said sex is going to be just terrible.

Oh internet. You are such a glorious machine.

Wish me luck friends. I'm a well-educated slut who actually understands basic grammar and spelling. And I'm going in!