So, here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna post the conversation in blockquote, and my own snarky responses in normal-type writing like this. I will post conversations as I have 'em, and when I think they're actually entertaining. If you like it, by all means, encourage me to post more, otherwise I will forget all about this silly little blog.
In all cases, I am "you" and the person I was chatting with is "stranger".
***
Alright, I'm gonna be honest here. This first one is a doozy. I'm ninety percent certain I landed a troll, but I pride myself on never being the one to hit that disconnect button. This chatlog might not be for the faint of heart --there's a lot of gross in it, including shit and piss and spit and toenails. And worst of all, it was possibly the most boring omegle fuck I've ever had!
Here goes nothing, guys! Enjoy.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello there
Stranger: if you want cybersex say yes misstres if not dissconect
Okay, you officially have my full and utter attention. Minus ten points for the spelling errors, but plus a billion for being direct and kinky, two things I love. A gleeful smile crosses my face, and I go for it! Oh, if only I knew the terrors that were to befall me...
You: yes mistress
Stranger: get on the floor
Stranger: now
You: Yes mistress
You: *does so, lying on hands and knees*
Ooo yeah! Hopeful, hopeful...
Stranger: now i put my cute pink sox on your face and i rub them up and down describe the taste and smell
...annnnd we start to get a little bit whatthefuck. But whatever, maybe this person just has a foot fetish.
Stranger: now
You: Ohh, they taste good, though a little fuzzy
You: I like the smell of mistress's feet
Stranger: do u want to go to the garden
Stranger: answer me
You: Yes mistress
Is the garden a euphemism?
Stranger: now my boots are dirty describe eating and licking the mud off
Stranger: now
You: Oh mistress, yes mistress
...um, that was sudden. Those billion points I mentioned? Yeeeeah, we better just pretend those never existed.
You: I lick your boots slowly, from the soles up, getting all the mud off
You: It does not taste good, but I do not care, for I am getting the soft black leather clean for mistress
You: I suck at the ends of the laces, to get the last of the dirt, and shine them with my spit
This was maybe my favourite part of the whole thing. I've a little bit of a top-based boot fetish, which I was able to translate into a bottom-based boot fetish. So, those who were just in it for the good parts...yeah, you can leave now.
Stranger: now you have erned your meal in the doggy bowl do u want to know what it is
You: Yes mistres
You: *mistress
In my heart I know it's a waste of time to bother correcting syntax errors when talking to the idiots that populate Omegle, but I just can't help it.
Also, I had a guess as to what this meal would be, but I really really hoped I was wrong...
Stranger: its my shit nice and fresh the way you like it describe eating it
Stranger: now
...aw, fuck. Oh well. There's two ways to play this: I can be horrified and give in to the troll and go "ewww!". Or I can take the fact that I am pretty damn jaded at this point and run with it. You know the saying, in for a penny?
You: I eat it slowly smearing it around my lips to savour the heat and the smell
Stranger: does it taste nice
Stranger: slave answer now
You: It does
You: Thank you mistress
You: It is a treat
You might have noticed that this "mistress" is really keen on the word "now". I will admit that I was perhaps slightly distracted as I had this conversation --I was busy setting up a tumblr for the first time-- but seriously. No need to keep harping on me. Yadda yadda, patience is a virtue, bla bla bla.
Stranger: now do u want to go to town with me
You: Yes mistress
Stranger: now get on all fours
You: Yes mistress
You: *crawls up and sits patiently*
Stranger: and i will put your dog lead on
You: *smiles at mistress*
You: Thank you, ma'am
Stranger: now i go and spend your money and i leve you out side as i spend it how do you feel
"Honestly? Like you don't actually understand what the hell a mistress is."
You: Is mistress happy? If mistress is happy then slave is happy
Stranger: yes i am now do u want to go home
Stranger: slave answer mistress quicker
You: I am sorry mistress
You: If mistress wills it I would like to go home
Stranger: now i fell i need the toilet open your mouth
You fell you need the toilet? I hear that's a serious affliction, you should really look into that.
I'm sorry folks, I'll try not to snark on the grammar and spelling too much, as the amount of correction this sort of shit needs is *woefully* boring to actually do.
Stranger: now
Stranger: slave
Stranger: answer quicker mistress not happy
You: *opens her mouth for mistress*
You: I am so sorry mistress
You: *waits quietly*
Stranger: i start to piss in your mouth how does it feel
Stranger: and taste
Have I mentioned yet that I seriously found this to be the most boring cybering I've ever engaged in? I was doing my best to add some decent cybersex elements into it, but having nothing to actually work with...was tough.
You: It feels hot
You: And delicious
You: I drink it all down
You: Careful not to let any spill to the floor
Stranger: u spill some nad girl
Stranger: bad
*gasp!* They actually fixed an error!
Stranger: do u want to make it up to mistress
You: Yes, please mistress
You: Do not punish me mistress
Stranger: now go get me some chips
I'll admit, I lol'd. If I ever have a slave, I'm totally going to get angry at them for some misgiving, and then send them to go get me chips as punishment...
You: Yes mistress
Stranger: hurry
You: I go to the kitchen and get the chips down from the fridge. I bring you some dip as well, just in case
(In my house growing up, the chips were always left on top of the fridge.)
Stranger: i eat the chis with some dip and spit it in your mouth do u like that
You: Yes mistress
You: I swallow your gift and smile
Stranger: now i want you to describ emy spit in your mouth
You: It is rough with the feel of half chewed chips
You: But slimy, and good
...mind, when I have a slave of my own, I think I'll probably skip this bit of the chip punishment.
Stranger: now slave get up
Stranger: quicker
You: Yes mistress
You: *stands quickly*
Stranger: now get on your knees
Stranger: quicker
Up on my feet! Down on my knees! Good god, some consistency, seriously!
Stranger: answer faster mistress may need to punish again
You: I am sorry mistress
You: *gets on her knees quickly and looks up through scared lashes*
Stranger: open mouth
Stranger: now
You: *opens her mouth*
Stranger: puts asshole over mouth and shits describe it the taste and smell
You: It smells foul yet divine
You: The taste is watery and loose --mistress needs more fiber in her diet
I mentioned I was bored, right? Here I tried to let my brat-self shine and faff about a bit.
Stranger: how dare you question the way misstres lives
I was honestly astonished they even noticed. Thus far, there'd been no indication that this stranger was even listening to a word I said.
You: meep
You: I am sorry mistress, so sorry
Stranger: now go out side
You: Yes mistress
Stranger: and think about what you did
You: *walks outside sadly*
You: *sits in the garden alone to think*
Stranger: come back in
You: Yes mistress
I don't know if you've used Omegle before, but conversations move quickly. There were less than fifteen seconds between "go outside" and "come back in". Way to teach me a lesson there, mistress. I sure did learn. Ayep.
You: *comes back inside and sits at mistress's feet*
Stranger: lick my feet they are sweaty i want the lcked to perfection
Stranger: hury slave
You: Yes mistress
I think this is about the point where I just copied "Yes mistress" into my clipboard so I could just paste it into the conversation as necessary. Again, I really don't think this person noticed.
You: *licks the sweat from your feet*
You: *every drop*
Stranger: now i need to vut my toe nails open your mouth
Stranger: cut
You: Yes mistress
You: *opens mouth for your toenails*
Stranger: i put the toen ails in your mouth describe them taste and feel
You: They are sharp and rough
You: I swallow them awkwardly
This was gross. Like I said, I'm jaded, but there's something about toenails that's just plain groaty. My omegle self is a brave brave woman.
Stranger: now lay doen
Stranger: down
You: Yes mistress
You: *does so*
Stranger: now i sit on your face and fart how does it feel
Willing slave, sitting on her face, and the best thing you can think of to do is fart?! You suck.
Stranger: hurry slave
Stranger: describe now
You: It feels windy
Stranger: how does it feel
I JUST ANSWERED THAT YOU DUMBASS!
You: It feels humiliating and rough
You: But it is from mistress and so it is wonderful
Stranger: now go to your doggy bowl there is some pee and shit mixed together how does it taste and feel
You: Yes mistress
You: It tastes warm and sweet
You: It feels rough and squishy in my mouth
Stranger: are you complaing
You: No mistress
You: Squishy is good
Stranger: now i slap you for complaning
Arrrrrrrrrg, and I wasn't complaining! I even said I wasn't complaining!
Omegle: Astounding you with how stupid people are since 2009.
Stranger: u need it
You: Oh mistress
You: Oh thank you mistress
You: For punishing me when it was so clearly needed
Man, I'm bummed I didn't get more here. I think I'd really enjoy being slapped around some, especially if I actually did something to deserve it.
Stranger: niw get on all fours
Stranger: now
Stranger: and out the saddel on
You: Yes mistress
You: *gets on all fours and puts on the saddle*
Stranger: now put my socks in your mouth describe it
Temptation to go "mmph mmph"? Very high. I regret not.
You: Yes mistress
You: *puts the socks in her mouth*
You: they are sweet with your sweat
Stranger: i have spat in them so u have a littel gift
Stranger: do you like that
You: I do, mistress
You: Thank you
Stranger: i have a week old pair of socks do u wan them in your face
Stranger: answer quicker
You: Yes please mistress
You: They would be lovely
Stranger: i put them in your face describe it now
You: The cloth is rough and stiff with sweat
Blah blah blah. I'm sorry folks, I'm really just phoning it in at this point.
Stranger: i want to go out and spend some more money so get your saddel on and take me to town
You: Yes mistress
You: I get my saddle on and let you ride me into town
Stranger: now how does it feel everybody looking at you
Um, I appear to be alone in this room. Trust me, no one is actually looking at me play your pony, and no one *will* ever look at me playing your pony. I guaran-fucking-tee it. In fact, I am swearing an oath right now that I, Mesix Glorious, will never engage in pony play with someone without first ascertaining that they are not this flaming idiot, signed this seventeenth day of July, in the year of our lord 2010. Amen, or something.
Stranger: answer quicker slave
You: It makes me blush mistress
Stranger: misstres not happy
You: No mistress?
You: Why not?
Stranger: u dont seem to love me enougth
...uh. That's...uh...
Eh, whatever. Let's just go with it.
You: I do love you mistress
You: I love you with all my heart and soul
Stranger: now slave do you want to take this off here
Stranger: into msn
...oh. I take back that heart and soul thing.
You: I do not have msn, mistress
This is actually true, and I suspect it'll be a reoccurring theme. I have never seen any need for MSN --I've had an AIM account for forever, and a GTalk account since the moment they released them more or less. And trust me, all the losers on Omegle begging for one? Just sealed the deal. No MSN for me.
Stranger: do u have facebook
Stranger: answer slave
You: Not for you, mistress
Ohhhhh and perhaps my frustrations turn mean.
I'm gonna try, as I engage in this idle entertainment, to not actually be mean to people all that often. But sometimes? Oh lordy, I just can't hold it in.
Stranger: why slave
You: *raises an eyebrow artfully* Because as a slut I'm unimpressed, and as a writer, I'm downright horrified.
That's not that mean, right? Damn truthful though, and it might just hold the key to scoring these stupid chats!
Stranger: shall i tell u something
Stranger: do u want to know something
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Annnnd I took too long to respond. Oh damn. I will never know what they wanted to tell me.
My heart shall never heal from the tragic loss. Oh wait.
AS A SLUT: I'm unimpressed. Two points --one for the instamistress thing, that was hot, and one for the boots.
AS A WRITER: Arbitrary five points for the fixing of some errors, and being able to at least spell "why" if not "you". Minus ninety points for being shitty at writing.
VERDICT: Uh...negative 83 points out of 20. Sounds about right.
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