...nah, I figure it's fair trade for actually giving them sex. Woo!
Warning, chatlog contains a little bit of guy-anal, and mention of some mild pain-play. Besides that, it's a pretty safe read.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi there!
Stranger: hello ther
You: How're you?
Stranger: fyn
Stranger: asl?
You: 20/f/us
You can tell I'm desperate for cybering at this point. I never actually give my ASL unless I want sex.
Stranger: 19
Stranger: m
Stranger: aust
Stranger: horny?
You: I am indeed
You: Wanna help me do something about it?
*flirt flirt, SHAMELESS flirt*
Stranger: sure
Stranger: wat u wearin?
You: Low-cut orange tank top and tight jeans
You: You'll have to take 'em off me to find out what else. ;D
Stranger: sure...
Stranger: i just did
Enter a long pause. Because...Uh...seriously?
Motherfucking SERIOUSLY?! I'll be honest here, I somewhat hate you.
You: Oh my!
You: Meaning I'm just standing here in my black panties and bra
Stranger: i just ripped off the brs
Stranger: *bra
You: Meep!
You: I feel so...exposed!
Stranger: better..
Stranger: i'm gonna spread u wide on the bed
You: Oh yes...and what're you wearing?
"You know what?" Says my mind. "It's no fair to snark on cyberidiots on Omegle if you're just phoning it in."
Stranger: and slowly lick u on the pussy with u'r panties on
"...Yeeeeah, even if they deserve it. But no! You must persevere! Give him the best damn cyberfucking he will ever have! Why? Because we're bored, why else?"
Thank you, mind. But he seriously just spelled "your" as "u'r". He deserves nothing!
You: Mmmm
Stranger: boxers
Stranger: and den i'm gonna take the pantie soff
Stranger: and den i'm gonna kiss it hard
...what, the panties? Learn to write, n00b. Oh fucking fine, I'm going to take my revenge by being so much better than you that your brain explodes. Hopefully.
You: I run my hands over your boxers and feel the stiff lump of your penis come to life under my fingertips
Stranger: nice..den?
Stranger: and den i'm gonaa lick u slowly on the pussy..
You: I'll slide the waistband of your boxers down over your cock, exposing just the head
You: ooooo
You: Your tongue feels so nice
Stranger: and den spread the lips of u'r pussy and suck it..
...note to self. When scoring this idiot, he loses five points every time he does the "u'r" thing.
You: Mmmm
You: I run my fingers over the head of your cock, squeezing it gently and stroking the tip
Stranger: and finger u togetger
You know, I'm often pretty good at deciphering idiot, but I have no idea what he means. Maybe that he's fingering me while still sucking my pussy? I guess?
Stranger: nice...ahh!!!
You: My hand slips into your boxers to wrap around you, and stroke up and down
You: Slower and quicker. Slower and quicker.
Stranger: oh baby...u really know wat u are doin..
Aww, why thank you! If I didn't respect myself, I would totally make that the subtitle for this blog!
Stranger: more
You: I squeeze a little harder as my hand slides faster along your cock
Stranger: yeah...yeah..
You: My other hand grabs your boxers and pulls them off your legs, exposing you
You: I fondle your balls with my free hand, rubbing them gently
Stranger: ooh..dat feels sooo good.
You: I know what'll feel even better
You: *bends her head down to lick at the tip of your cock*
Stranger: yeah baby..
Stranger: den i'm gonna kiss u all the way up to u'r boobs
Stranger: slowly and sensually
Yeah, uh, have I mentioned that one thing that *really* bothers me in cybersex is geometry flaws? If I am spread out on the bed, curled over to suck at your cock, there is no way that you can reach my boobs. I'm curled up like a pillbug. I really really want a partner who pays at least a little bit of attention to this sort of thing.
...I suppose while I'm dreaming of impossibilities, I'd also love a partner who actually uses condoms in cybersex. Yes, I know I'm ridiculous. But I'd appreciate the effort.
You: Oooo
Stranger: and lick u'r boobs
You: I'll keep stroking, and squirm against your mouth
Stranger: and lick and suck u'r nippleas hard
Tsk tsk. -10 in just two lines.
Stranger: and den kiss u on the lips
You: Ohh
You: I'll kiss back passionately, and let my tongue run into your mouth
Stranger: ooh...i love dat..
Stranger: and den i'm gonna lift u'r knee up..
You: Ooo?
...oh gods, is this all just a troll? Is he going to do something weird with those knees? Goddamnit!!
Stranger: and i'm gonna slide in and out of u from the side
Oh, thank goodness. He's just going to fuck me.
Badly.
You: Ahhh! So nice!
Stranger: and fuck u like dat hard..
Stranger: and den i'm gonna lift u slowly
Stranger: wrap u'r lega arnd my waist
Stranger: and bang u against the wall
WHAM!! TAKE THAT!!
You: Ohh!
You: Mmmm, lucky I like it rough
Stranger: nice...
Technically true. But I really shouldn't say these things. It just encourages them to...
Stranger: i'm gonna bang u like dat till u fall over my back and ask me to stop
...do...that? What the fuck?
You: Oh baby
You: You've got me so close to cumming!
Mesix-speak for "Bored now."
Stranger: and den i'm gonna mmake u sit on my dick...
Stranger: facing me.
You: Oh, make me, huh?
Bored and therefore bratty.
Stranger: and kiss u first..
You: Ooo!
You: *kisses back wickedly*
Stranger: and while kissin u i'm gonna start fuckin u slowly...
Stranger: and i'm not let go u from kissin
You: Awww, so sweet!
You: And sexy!
Yeah. Sexy like a brick. Oo, yeah baby, you work those awkward corners! That dull red is so you!
Stranger: yeah u like it??
You: I do!
Stranger: wat r u gonna do tome?
You: Ohh, I'm gonna ride you hard
You: I'm gonna slowly pull myself up and down on the length of your cock, feeling you slip into me
Stranger: nice.
Stranger: and den?
You: I'll get slowly faster and faster as I go, hoping to bring you closer to cumming
Stranger: yeah...
Stranger: and?
You: My tongue plunges deep into your throat as we kiss, exploring your mouth as my pussy squeezes tight around your cock
You: I'll twist back and forth slightly, sending the sensations shuddering into you
Stranger: awesome!!!
Stranger: and den wat do u wanna do?
You: Oh, I'm getting so close to cumming!
You: I'll reach down and start to play with my clit with one hand and your balls with the other, still fucking you
PRO TIP, ASSHOLE: Cybersex is a two person game. Trust me, I know full damn well you're just too busy wanking right now to actually type things. Invest in some skill at one-handed typing.
Stranger: nice...
Stranger: and i'm gonaa start riding u harder..
Stranger: and also play with u'r wet clit!
Stranger: finger u.
O.O While your cock is still in me? I am small! At least you don't have a nine inch cock like the last six guys who chatted with me.
Also, I really wish these idiots would stop assuming I'm wet. Because trust me. I'm not.
You: Oooo, yess
You: So close!
Stranger: nice...while u'r moanin with pleasure..
Stranger: i'm gonna lift u'r legs up
You: Oh yess!
Stranger: keep them over my shoulders a
Stranger: and bang u
Stranger: hard
Such a wordsmith! Oh, I can't wait to tell all my friends about my dashing knight who "banged me hard"!!
You: Oh please, oh god, keep coming!
Stranger: and den just before u cumm..
Of course, the flip side of being jaded is being paranoid. I was dead certain he was gonna set me on fire or something.
Stranger: i'm gonaa stat lickin u and fingerin u
Stranger: hard and faster!!1
You: Oh, oh oh oh OHHHHHHH
You: Gods
You: I cum hard against you, writhing and squirting in pleasure
You: Feels so good!
Stranger: yeah baby...
That's right folks, you too can learn to be the master of the fake internet orgasm (TM)! Just send six easy payments of only nineteen ninety-nine and you'll receive the full Mesix Glorious fake internet orgasm training kit! Five easy lessons, six easy payments! Call the number on your screen now, operators are standing by!
Also, I can't tell whether to be disappointed or not that he didn't freak about the squirting thing.
Stranger: and den i lick u'r pussy up...and suck it and kiss it
Stranger: and den come up and kiss u ..
You: Mmm, I'm gonna kiss you back hard
Stranger: nice..
Stranger: and den wat else u wanna do?
You: Oh, well, you haven't cum yet!
You: So I guess I'll get on my knees in front of you and take your cock into my mouth
Stranger: nice...
Stranger: and den?
You: Suck you hard so that I can taste your hot cum all down my throat
Please cum soon, please cum soon, please cum soon...
Stranger: ooh...i'm gonna cumm loads in u'r mouth
You: Oh yes, please!
Stranger: and some on u'r face and boobs.
You: Mmm, I'll lick it all up
Stranger: nice..
Stranger: wat else u wanna do?
Shoot myself?
You: Hmm, I don't know
You: Any suggestions?
Stranger: may be the bath??
You: Oh yes, to get all cleaned up!
Stranger: yeah..
Stranger: i'm gonna spread u'r lega wide in the bath tub..
Okay, not to be a killjoy here or anything, but a bathtub wide enough to spread my legs in? Permit me to be somewhat skeptical.
Stranger: and pour hot water all over u'r body
Stranger: and soap it
You: Mmmm, nice and clean!
Stranger: and rub extra hard on u'r clit
Stranger: and actually finger u.
You: Actually finger me? What'd you call it before?
Stranger: just rub it on the top.
You: Ahh, of course
Mesix-speak for "what the hell are you talking about?"
Stranger: den i'm gonna bang u in dat position while sittin...and kiss u sensually on the face
AND big enough for banging? STILL SKEPTICAL!
You: Mmm, so sweet!
You: I'll kiss you back, and run my hands all over your chest
Stranger: i like d way dat sounds
You: Run my fingers over your nipples and tug at them lightly
Okay, let's have a little experiment here.
Stranger: ooh!!
Stranger: still better
You: Pull a little harder, find out what you like
Positive reaction? Fine, let's up the voltage, as it were.
Stranger: yeah baby..
Stranger: i like it hard!!
Never. Ever. Say that to someone whose kinklist you haven't discussed.
You: Oh yes?
You: I'll pull very hard then, and twist
Stranger: totally
You: Mmm, go and get my clothespins then, baby
I didn't mean for this to come out as a command, but I like the way it worked out.
Stranger: y?
Evil. Evil.
EVIL
grin.
You: Well, if you like it hard...
You: *pinches one nipple*
You: Clothespins are the *best* way to do it
Stranger: ok...i didn't mean dat hard..
You: *laughs* Oh, okay
Stranger: so wat vil u do to me if i get the pins?
...kill you with my mind, before your stupidity breeds?
You: Oh, I'll just let them snap onto your nipples
You: Feel a little bit of pinchy pain
Stranger: omg...dat's hardcore at it's best..
I literally laughed aloud at this one. Clothespins? Hardcore?! Oh sweet Jesus, you are so vanilla it's almsot painful.
You: Oh honey, I haven't gotten anywhere even close to resembling hardcore
You: Clothespins are all well and good, but if you want some serious pain, invest in some nice steel nipple-clamps
As a complete aside, I really want a nice pair of nipple clamps. I love the hell out of my collection of clothespins, but clover clamps? Are pretty. And painful.
Stranger: forget it.
Stranger: just let's use hands and legs
...and legs?
You: Hee, that works too!
Stranger: den wat vil u do?
You: Well, I'll make sure you get all soapy too
You: Make sure that you get all nice and clean
You: Especially your penis
Stranger: nice..and?
You: I'll rub the soap into your balls, squeezing to make sure they get all clean
Stranger: cool
Stranger: wat else?
TWO. PERSON. ACTIVITY.
Every time you don't pull your weight in cybersex, a slut turns to God. Please, think of the sluts.
You: Slide my soapy hands all over your ass, get you nice and clean
Stranger: ooh..
Stranger: i like dat!!
You: Oh yeah?
Stranger: hell yeah!
Well fine then. Let's see if I can scare you off then.
You: What if I slowly slide a finger into you, to massage your prostrate?
Stranger: still better!!
...I am duly impressed by this guy. Not freaking about the prostrate thing *or* squirting. Props.
You: Oh yes? Don't meet too many boys willing to have anal done to them
Stranger: i like it a little
You: Interesting
Stranger: y ?
You: *shrugs* Like I said, not too many boys seem into it
You: Seem to think it'll make 'em gay or something
Stranger: ok..
You: But in your case...
You: I can slowly slide a finger in and out of you, using the soap as lube
Um...this was not me being nice. Soap plus mucous membranes equals burning like Old Lady Leary's barn. Fucking *ow!*
Stranger: nice..
Stranger: u really kno wat to do!!
You: I've got a fair amount of practise
Stranger: good..
Stranger: wat else u wanna do?
You: Oh, I don't know, sweetie
You: Any thoughts?
Ball is back in your court.
Stranger: nothin baby..none at all.
Goddamnit. You. You have failed me! You were doing perfectly well...well good. Well...okay. Well, you were doing things earlier! Just continue like that!
Stranger: u wanna chat sometime again?
No.
You: Oh maybe, but I don't have MSN or anything
Stranger: oh..cummon...every one has a mail id
Stranger: der baby?
My two years of German in high school made that line confusing. He means "there".
You: Sorry dear. I like to keep Omegle chats just on omegle
Stranger: ok
You: Have a nice night though, doll
Stranger: u too sweetie..
And that's that. Honestly, he was sweet enough --heart in the right place and all that, yadda yadda yadda. I really do need to better keep in mind the fact that people my age are a *lot* younger than me sexually most of the time. And a LOT stupider.
AS A SLUT: Okay, he was actually into it for about half, but those long periods where he left me to do all the work? NOT cool. Seriously not cool. 4 points.
AS A WRITER: I was serious you know. Fif-fucking-teen times he used "u'r". That's minus 75 points, plus let's have another minus 20 for otherwise being a really shit writer.
VERDICT: negative 91 points out of 20. Ouch! On the plus side, if he just learns to write, he might someday have a real chance!
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